One hundred and fifty-seven BTUs per minute course through seven stainless steel burners, individually adjustable for maximum temperature control. Diamond-encrusted Flavorizer Bars virtually eliminate flare-ups because cooking juices are turned to savory smoke and fed back into the mainframe for a self-sustaining ecosystem of luscious barbecue flavor. 

With the expansive titanium cooking grates and an intricate system of clamps, pulleys and barbed prods, you can grill an entire farm animal to your exacting specifications of mouth-watering delectability. And don't worry about running out of gas mid-meal: the high-definition, letterbox-display fuel gauges on the twin 80-lb. tanks tell you exactly how much you have left. Pneumatic locking casters and white-wall all-weather tires keep you on the road to grilling success.

But what really sets the Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill apart from the pathetic competition - that is if you could call those embarrassing cast iron travesties “competition” - is the inclusion of human brain matter in the control module. Floating in a beaker of protein-rich amino acids is .06 ounces of actual fetal brain tissue, which  - when agitated by a precise electrical current - triggers the literally millions of individual processes that enliven your Genesis B Series AI. This advanced, morally-questionable technology grants you the perfect balance of char-broiled deliciousness and expertly grilled succulence - but not without a price.

Owning a Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill is not a responsibility one should take lightly. The fact that you have passed our series of rigorous tests (written, oral, physical, drug, etc.) and survived the arduous screening process speaks much toward your dedication towards barbecue perfection. But your journey is far from over. In many ways, it is just beginning…Your Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill is not an…an…appliance. It is a member of your family: a family committed to grilling excellence.

Please review your 3,463 page manual (an audio version, read by veteran actor James Earl Jones, is also available). Memorize it. Meditate thoroughly on the meaning of each word and its subsequent pairing. Study the Japanese and German translations too, as the poetic nuances of foreign tongues can only intensify your deep spiritual knowledge of this, the Valhalla of Gas-powered barbecues. 

Here is a high-level overview to familiarize yourself with the awesome responsibilities and innumerable rewards associated with your recent purchase.

• Meticulously bathe each moving part in a solution of rare Indonesian lanolin, distilled supermodel pheromones and French champagne: NEVER sparkling wine. Do this both before and after every session. Once a year, it is recommended that the control module be cleansed with the tears of orphans.

• Using a yak-hair grill brush, delicately dust ground ivory onto all exposed surfaces and buff with a sealskin shammy for optimum shine.

• Never leave your Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill unattended. This will lead to poor self-esteem.

• Take the time to stare meaningfully underneath its porcelain-enameled hood and inquire as to the secret dreams, hopes and aspirations of your Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill. Even if the result is idle chit-chat, this purposeful verbal intercourse will increase your unit’s efficiency. Why does everything always have to be about “you, you, you?” 

• Never leave your Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill outside overnight. It is best if it co-sleeps with you, as this not only maintains an approximate temperature of 68 degrees Fahrenheit, but also fosters a sense of closeness - dare I say, intimacy? - with your unit. 

• Never use your Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill out of anger.

• When having sex with your Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill, please take the necessary precautions to avoid contracting rust-based urethral infections (be sure to clean the trap thoroughly with bleach afterwards). It is also nice to leave it little notes or flowers the next day to show that the experience was both physically AND emotionally satisfying.

• A soapy, fine steel wool pad will keep the warming racks free of smoke stains and debris. It will also remove grease spots from the control panel, but use a very light touch so as to not scratch the porcelain…actually, don’t do this, just take it to one of our service facilities. You’d probably just fuck it up.

• If your Weber Genesis B Series AI Gas Grill quivers and emits a high-pitched hum be sure to:
1. Disconnect the hose from the tank.
2. Move the tank away from the house or anything combustible.
3. Make peace with your conception of God and the possibility of a better world beyond this one: anything to mollify the exquisite fear festering within your gut like a nest of scorpions.

Now get grillin’!™